Red vs. Blue Episode
"SPF 0"
Episode no. 18
Airdate July, 2003
Running time 4:22
Director(s) Burnie Burns

Red vs. Blue Season 1
April 1, 2003 - September 28, 2003

  1. Why Are We Here?
  2. Red Gets a Delivery
  3. The Rookies
  4. Head Noob in Charge
  5. The Package is in the Open
  6. 1.21 Giga-Whats??
  7. Check out the Treads on That Tank
  8. Don't Ph34r the Reaper
  9. After Church
  10. A Shadow of His Former Self
  11. Knock, knock. Who's there? Pain.
  12. Down, but not Out
  13. Human Peer Bonding
  14. Roomier Than it Looks
  15. How the Other Half Lives
  16. A Slightly Crueler Cruller
  17. Points of Origin
  18. SPF 0
  19. Last One Out, Hit the Lights

SPF 0 is the eighteenth episode of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.


The Blues continue to discuss what to do with Church's corpse. After an interlude demonstrating the Red's boredom, the episode cuts back to Church, who worries that Tex will soon kill the entire Red Team. If successful, she would then leave, probably never to be seen again, before Church could remove the AI from her armor. To prevent this, Church decides to warn the Red Team of her impending attack. After Church leaves, Caboose spies Donut through a sniper rifle, exclaims that the Reds have a girl, and ineptly reveals Church's plan to Tex.


Church, Caboose and Tucker are standing over Church's body

Church: I am not happy about this.

Caboose: I have an idea ...I have an idea!

Tucker: Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose, we were just ignoring you.

Caboose: Since you possessed that red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?

Church: Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body.

Caboose: Yes.

Church: Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity.

Caboose: Yes.

Church: Okay Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that.

Caboose: I think you are a mean ghost.

Tucker: Dude, you really stink.

Church: What?

Tucker: Your body, it stinks.

Church: Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.

Tucker: Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.

Church: It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.

Tucker: Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?

Caboose: Hey, Church, look, birds! Why are they flying around in circles?

Church: Nuh, God.

Cut to Grif and Simmons on the red base

Grif: Okay, I'll go again. I spy something, that begins with...

Simmons: Dirt.

Grif: Damn! How did you-

Simmons: Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt.

Grif: Yeah, this canyon sucks.

Back to the blues overlooking Tex working on the tank. Caboose is holding the sniper rifle

Church: How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?

Tucker: Not much longer, she said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again.

Church: Oh, that's just fantastic.

Tucker: Why would that upset you?

Church: Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the reds, and they're all gonna die.

Tucker: The reds dying is a good thing.

Church: No Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head.

Caboose: A.I. ...

Church: Shut up, Caboose. And if I don't get it out before she leaves...

Tucker: If she leaves you won't ever find her again.

Church: Right.

Tucker: So what're you gonna do?

Church: I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the reds before she fixes the tank.

Tucker: You're switching sides?

Church: Sorry guys. I don't have much choice.

Caboose: Church, uh, wha, what happens when the reds out here, to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us?

Church: I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck guys.

Church fades away

Caboose: Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?

Tucker: I tell you what. Kill me. I promise not to come back.

Caboose: Hey! Look at this! (focusing on Donut)

Tucker: No.

Caboose: They have, a girl. They have a girl!

Tucker: A what?

Caboose: A girl, a girl! Look, pink armor!

Tucker: Oh man, how come they get a girl?

Tex: (from below them) Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?

Tucker: Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.

Tex: And what the hell does that mean?

Caboose and Tucker: (backing up from the edge of cliff, out of Tex's sight) Nothing!

Tucker: Wait a second. If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the reds about her?

Caboose: I don't know... but I think I know how to find out.

Caboose steps back up to the edge, looking down at Tex

Caboose: Hey... Tex! Uh... Did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the reds that you were fixing the tank?

Tex turns back to the tank, then Caboose backs up to join Tucker

Caboose: I don't think she knows. ...Unless she can read minds... She can't read minds, can she? ...Can you hear what I'm thinking?


  • Since Church is revealed to be an A.I. in Reconstruction 16, he technically could have possessed his own body, since it is actually a robotic body.

Video Edit



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