The Red Team discusses the current financial crisis and prepares to offer suggestions on how to cope with the situation. Instead, Sarge and the Blue Team break in, discussing the bankruptcy of the Blue Team due to unsound financial decisions they had made and how the Red Team must bail them out. Not bearing to hear this, Grif runs to the pawn shop to pawn his gun and armor before the bank takes it away.


Fade in to Grif and Simmons in front of a majestic waterfall
Simmons: Hi. I'm Private Dick Simmons from the popular web series, Red vs Blue.
Grif: And I'm Private Dexter Grif, from the same show.
Simmons: You know, these days many people are wondering how they can tighten their belts to weather the hard economic times.
Grif: It turns out some people in some place did some things that lost a bunch of money, for some people you don't even know.
Simmons: Yeah, we don't understand the details, but apparently people buying houses they can't afford, with money they didn't have, from the banks that weren't paying attention, was a badthing.
Grif: Who knew?
Simmons: Also, we're having all sorts of peaks right now. We've got peak oil, peak water, peak temperature-
Grif: Peak hurricanes, peak bees.
Simmons: Peak bees?
Grif: It's true, look it up.
Simmons: The point is, we're all doomed.
Grif: Absolutely. Especially if you're a bee that runs on oil.
Simmons: But, in these dark times, it's important that you stay optimistic.
Grif: Right. You should be thinking positive thoughts like "how can I outlive my neighbors so that when they die, I can take their stuff."
Simmons: Luckily, Sarge has gathered some useful tips to help us figure out how to get through these tough times.
Sarge: Uh, actually we can't do that right now.
Grif: What? Why not?
Sarge: I've been too busy meetin' with the Blues to work on the list.
Simmons: Meeting?
Church: Yeah, this is kinda hard to explain, but... we're bankrupt.
Grif: You're what?
Church: Uh, we're broke. We got some credit cards and we made some bad choices... yeah like we upgraded our flag, we probably shouldn't have.
Caboose: And we also bought some hedge fund stocks!
Simmons: You bought hedge fund stocks with a credit card?
Church: Yeah, and then when we lost money doing that, we tried to buy more stocks by taking out a subprime home equity loan on our base.
Caboose: Um yeah, so the bank took our base, um then they reposessed our tank, and, our ammo. Then the bank sold it all to some foreign characters from another video game.
Grif: Wow. Sucks to be you guys.
Sarge: Actually it sucks to be everybody. 'Cause it's up to us to bail out the Blues.
Simmons: What?
Grif: Why would we do that?
Sarge: As of this week, the Blues will be moving in to our base. Which will be split down the middle with a line of masking tape. Right side Red, left side Blue.
Grif: They're gonna live in our base?
Sarge: Yeah. Also Grif, you gotta give 'em yer gun.
Grif: Why?
Sarge: They can't afford ammo any more.
Grif: Good, then they can't shoot at us.
Sarge: Actually that's bad. We need to have them shooting at us. They have to have competition for a healthy environment.
Grif: Healthy environment? They're gonna be living in our home, and using our guns to shoot at us. That's not healthy, that's suicide!
Sarge: Nonsense. It's only until they get back on their feet with all the money we're gonna pay them.
Simmons: We're paying them money too!?
Sarge: Of course we are. That part just makes sense.
Grif: Where are we getting the money?
Sarge: Well as you know, times are tough. So we're gonna have to take out a loan to help 'em.
Simmons: WHAT!?
Church: Oh, dude. I know a place where you can get anawesome subprime home equity loan for your base.
Sarge: That sounds perfectly reasonable.
Grif starts running away
Simmons: Grif, where're you going!?
Grif: To pawn my armor and gun before the bank takes it!
Church: Hey when you get the money from the pawn shop we're gonna need that too! Remember we're all in this together!


Financial Crisis PSA03:24

Financial Crisis PSA

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