Red vs. Blue Episode
"Chapter 9"
Episode no. 9
Airdate August 4, 2008
Running time 7:48

Red vs. Blue Reconstruction
April 5, 2008 – October 30, 2008

  1. Trailer
  2. Chapter 1
  3. Chapter 2
  4. Chapter 3
  5. Chapter 4
  6. Chapter 5
  7. Chapter 6
  8. Chapter 7
  9. Chapter 8
  10. Chapter 9
  11. Chapter 10
  12. Chapter 11
  13. Chapter 12
  14. Chapter 13
  15. Chapter 14
  16. Chapter 15
  17. Chapter 16
  18. Chapter 17
  19. Chapter 18
  20. Chapter 19

Chapter 9 of Red vs. Blue: Reconstruction aired on August 4, 2008 as the 119th episode overall.


After hearing the Meta's doctored message from Red Command from Chapter 4, Sarge plans to leave Red Base at Blood Gulch in order to find Simmons and Grif (noting that he can't get Donut). After conversing with Lopez about the call (which Lopez says sounded a little suspicious) and having a "touching" good-bye with Lopez (where Lopez merely insults Sarge and urges him to leave), Sarge sets off to find his other soldiers.

The action cuts to Rat's Nest, where Simmons and Grif are against a wall and in front of a firing squad made up of Red soldiers. As Sarge searches for them amongst dead Blue soldiers, Simmons tries desperately to stall the execution (revealed to be the result of Grif "losing" the Reds ammo, but really selling it to the Blues) with bureaucracy from the Red Army handbook while Grif merely mouths off. Finally the Reds decide to just shoot them, but Sarge saves the day by improbably blocking the bullets with the Warthog as he drives past. Simmons and Grif, who is revealed to have been promoted to Staff Sergeant after Sarge refused to relocate (a fact that Sarge seems incapable of internalizing), join Sarge and they ride out of the base, Simmons calling shotgun before Grif pulls rank on him and takes the shotgun seat for himself.

Meanwhile, Lopez discovers that being alone in Blood Gulch isn't as great as he thought it was.


Chairman: Dear Director.

Fade in to Blood Gulch

Chairman: I feel you're avoiding the question. If this target, was already in possession of an A.I. unit, how was he able to secure an additional unit from Agent South? Would not that verify, as we indicated earlier, that your program now runs experiments with more than one artificial intelligence. If so, where did these additional A.I. come from. And more importantly, how did your agency procure them?

Radio sounds

Command: This is Command calling Red Base, come in Red Base.

Sarge: This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Command: Agent Washington has reassembled the Blues.

Sarge: I knew it! I knew he was a Blue!

Command: Gather your team, we want you to stop Agent Washington at all costs. This is a level one directive. Good luck Red Base.

Sarge: Hey, one sec. Any word on that soldier poison I ordered?

Command: No. Good luck Red Base.

Sarge: What about the robot nuts?

Command: No. Good luck Red Base. Command out.

Sarge: Well you don't have to get so testy. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? This thing gets terrible reception. Only have one bar! Hello?

Sarge runs down the ramp from Red Base to find Lopez standing idly doing nothing

Sarge: Can you hear me now? Can you hear me? Stupid 4G network. Lopez!

Lopez: Sí.

Sarge: That was Red Command.

Lopez: Sí. Yo sé.

Caption: Si. I know.

Sarge: Were you listening to my call?

Caption: I record all our calls for quality assurance.

Sarge: They said those dirty Blues are up to no good!

Lopez: Esa llamada sonaba extrana a mí.

Caption: Actually that call sounded strange to me.

Sarge: I agree! We have to stop 'em. No matter what the cost.

Lopez: Alguien caricio otra llamada.

Caption: Almost like someone took another call and chopped it up.

Sarge: You're right! I shouldn't be here flappin' my gums, I need to shake a tail feather!

Lopez: Sí, usted se va para su misión falsa...

Caption: Yes, you should go on your fake mission right away...

Sarge: I gotta reassemble the team! And I know I can't get Donut, so that leaves just Simmons... and Grif.

Lopez: ...y quienquiera enviado la llamada le matará.

Caption: ...and you will most likely be killed by whomever sent that fake message.

Sarge: Ah, good point! Maybe I'll get lucky and Grif was killed. Not in a glorious manner like battle of course, but doing something menial and humiliatin'! Maybe he drowned in a toilet while cleaning it.

Lopez: Pendejo.

Caption: You're an idiot.

Sarge: I know, I know, I'm hopin' for too much. Lopez, pack m'gear. I gotta get goin'!

Lopez: Se hace ya. Lo embalo diario deseó que usted se fuera.

Caption: It's already done. I pack it every single morning in hopes that you will decide to leave.

Sarge: Good ol' Lopez, dependable as always. Now Lopez-

Lopez: Oh dios... por favor. No quiero tener un momento.

Caption: Oh God... please. I don't want to have a moment.

Sarge: I know we've had a lot of good times together-

Lopez: No haga esto.

Caption: Don't do this.

Sarge: You've always relied on my guidance and protection.

Lopez: El adolescente le derrotó.

Caption: You couldn't even win the fight with that teenage girl.

Sarge: But you're going to be on your own now.

Lopez: Bueno.

Caption: Good.

Sarge: I prepared you for the world as best I could.

Lopez: Usted me programó en Español.

Caption: You programmed me in a language that no one here speaks.

Sarge: So take care of yourself. And always remember that I'll be thinkin' of ya.

Lopez: Voy a ir vedar que la el segundo es tu van.

Caption: I am going to erase every memory of you the second you are gone.

Lopez: Apenas como ... y ...

Caption: Just like I did for [FILE DELETED] and [FILE DELETED].

Sarge: Nope. No words, Lopez. I'll see you again. In a better place. Adios amigo. Adios.

Lopez: Vámonos viejo hombre estúpido.

Caption: Just go, you stupid old man.

Sarge: I'll miss you too Lopez! Every single day. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Lopez: Menos hablando. Yéndose.

Caption: Less talking. More leaving.

Sarge: Me too Lopez! Me too!

Lopez: El pedal está a la derecha.

Caption: The gas pedal is on the right.

Sarge: Heh heh. Now to find Grif and Simmons. I can only imagine what amazing adventures they must be having right ... now.

Immediately cut to Grif and Simmons in front of a Red Team firing squad.

Soldier: Any last words?

Grif: Yeah. You guys suck.

Soldier: Ready! Aim!

Simmons: Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.

Cut to Sarge pulling up next to the dead Blues

Sarge: Hello? Anybody here? Anybody alive? No, good. Blue sucks! Heh heh. Hhm, I don't think Simmons and Grif would have switched to Blue Team, but if they did it might explain why they all died.

Back to ...everyone else in this episode so far except Lopez

Simmons: Wait, wait wait wait.

Soldier: What?

Simmons: Hey, uh, don't we get a last request? You know any- anything like that?

Soldier: What do you want?

Grif: How 'bout for starters you suck my-

Simmons: Shouldn't you at least read us our charges?

Soldier: You know what you did. You were in charge of our ammunition. And you lost it all.

Grif: Don't you think it's ironic that you're about to shoot us because we don't have enough ammo? Also, lost and sold to the other team? Two totally different things.

Soldier: Oh you're just delaying.

Simmons: Yes that's true, but it's also true that you have to read us a list of charges. It's in the Red Army Handbook, section on firing squads, subsection 2.9c. page 94 third paragraph.

Grif: You are going to die a nerd. So sad.

Simmons: Do you want to die in the next two seconds or do you want to die a nerd with me five minutes from now?

Grif: ...

Simmons: Well?

Grif: I'm thinking. ...Fine, yeah, what he said, section whatever whatever.

Soldier: I think you're bluffing. I never read that.

Grif: Uh, did you read the Red Army Handbook?

Soldier: Ih... uh... no.

Grif: That's because nobody has, except for him. He's memorized it.

Simmons: In three languages.

Soldier: Uh, what do you guys think?

The soldier discusses the matter with the firing squad

Grif: Is that a real rule?

Simmons: I have no clue, but they'll either read the book or read the charges.

Soldier: Okay.

Simmons: Either way we're alive for a few more minutes.

Soldier: Yeah, we decided that sounds like too much trouble. So we're just going to shoot you and say the Blues did it.

Simmons: Oh, wait. I didn't think about the "fuck it, we're lazy" option.

Grif: Nyeh, I thought of it. I just didn't wanna explain it. Fuck it.

Soldier: Ready weapons!

Simmons: Grif, this looks like it's it. Listen, there's something I always wanted to tell you.

Grif: I have something I wanna say to you too, buddy.

Simmons: You first.

Soldier: Ready!

Grif: It was me that stole your identity and ran up all those credit card charges at the pawn shops and peep shows. Sorry.

Soldier: Aim!

Grif: Whew! I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest! So what do you wanna say to me?

Simmons: Hhhh, I seem to have forgotten. Hey asshole, can we hurry this up?

Soldier: Fire!

The firing squad fires, but Sarge drives between them and Grif and Simmons and the Warthog takes all the bullets in the flank

Sarge: Simmons, Grif! There ya are.

Simmons: Are we dead?

Grif: Well if we are then Hell looks just like the army. Big surprise there.

Sarge: I've been lookin' everywhere for ya.

Simmons: Sarge?

Grif: Yeah what?

Sarge: What in hell are you two doing?

Simmons: We're being executed by our own men, Sir.

Sarge: Cut it out. I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.

Soldier: Who the hell is this guy?

Sarge: Oh, what is this? Insubordination?

Sarge punches the Soldier in the face with his shotgun

Sarge: Heyah! Come on you two, let's get a move on! Where's yer commanding officer?

Simmons: (pointing at Grif) He's right there.

Sarge: ... Where, behind Grif?

Simmons: Sargeant Grif is our C.O., Sir.

Sarge: Your Sargeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.

Simmons: No no listen to me. Grif is our commander. He was promoted to Sargeant when you refused to relocate with us.

Sarge: But who's in charge!?

Simmons: Sargeant Grif!

Sarge: Okay see, I can hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense. Did ya have a stroke?

Simmons: Grif is a Sargeant. He's the same rank as you now.

Sarge: That's who I'm talkin' about. Where is he?

Simmons: He's right there!

Sarge: So, he's invisible.

Grif: Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.

Soldier: Does this mean we get a new Sargeant now? Awesome, 'cause this one sucks.

Sarge punches the soldier in the back of the head this time and knocks him down again

Sarge: Gah. Never talk that way about a superior.

Grif: Did Sargey just call me superior? I heard it, Simmons is a witness!

Simmons: I don't even wanna get involved.

Sarge: What's going on in this outpost? Insubordination, invisible Sargeants, Simmons has had a stroke!

Grif: It totally counts.

Sarge: You two just get in the jeep. We're gettin' out of here. I'll explain on the way.

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: I outrank you, get in the back.

Simmons: Fuck!

Sarge: Son, tell your Sargeant I'm taking these two with me. He can call Command for verification.

Soldier: But, you're taking our Sargeant.

Sarge: What? I can't hear you!

The jeep drives away

Sarge: Engine's too loud.

Soldier: What the hell just happened?

Soldier 2: Hey guys? The Blues are all dead.

Soldier: Euh, I'm going to go lie down.

Back at Blood Gulch, Lopez is standing alone in the middle of the canyon

Lopez: Así.

Caption: Great.

Lopez: Ahora estoy solo.

Caption: Now I'm lonely.

Lopez: Sigh.

Caption: (Lopez sighs)





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