Red vs. Blue Episode
"Head Noob in Charge"
Episode no. 4
Airdate May, 2003
Running time 4:20
Director(s) Burnie Burns

Red vs. Blue Season 1
April 1, 2003 - September 28, 2003

  1. Why Are We Here?
  2. Red Gets a Delivery
  3. The Rookies
  4. Head Noob in Charge
  5. The Package is in the Open
  6. 1.21 Giga-Whats??
  7. Check out the Treads on That Tank
  8. Don't Ph34r the Reaper
  9. After Church
  10. A Shadow of His Former Self
  11. Knock, knock. Who's there? Pain.
  12. Down, but not Out
  13. Human Peer Bonding
  14. Roomier Than it Looks
  15. How the Other Half Lives
  16. A Slightly Crueler Cruller
  17. Points of Origin
  18. SPF 0
  19. Last One Out, Hit the Lights

Head Noob in Charge is the fourth episode of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.


Church talks with Tucker about his girlfriend back home. Attempting to join the conversation, the Rookie accidentally calls Church's girlfriend a "cow"(Though Tucker tells Church he called her a "slut"). In response, Church assigns him a bogus flag-guarding duty, instructing him to wait for the "General". Under the impression that he was helping the "General" to avoid leaving empty-handed, the Rookie allows Donut to take the flag.

Transcripts Edit

Church, Tucker, and the soldier in Blue armor are standing next to the tank, outside the base

Church: Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

Tucker: Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

Church: No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out, and... ah, you know how it works.

Tucker: Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?

Caboose: I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Church: Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut!

Church: I'll tell you what noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

Caboose: Great.

Church: See, we've got this General.

Tucker: Right, the General guy.

Church: ...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.

Caboose: When is he coming by?

Tucker: We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.

Caboose: You want me to stand at attention for a week?

Church: You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.

Caboose: What's so important about the flag?

Church: Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?

Caboose: They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?

Church: Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

Tucker: Well, it's... it's complicated. Wuh... It's blue, we're blue

Church: It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

Tucker: Right.

Church: So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

Caboose turns and heads for the base, stops half way and turns around

Caboose: Uh how will I know when I see him?

Tucker: There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.

Church: Now get in there, and don't come out! (turns to Tucker) Man, that guy is dumber than you are.

Tucker: You mean he's dumber than you are.

Church: Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back.

Caboose emerges from the base, with Church and Tucker in the distance

Caboose: Uh, mister Church? Sir?

Church: Oh my God, WHAT!? Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

Caboose: Sorry about calling your girl a slut...


Tucker: (turns around) Uh-huh huh huh huh

Church: (turns around to face Tucker's back) Tucker, are you laughing at me?

Donut steps up behind Church

Donut: Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?

Church: Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

Donut: What did I do?

Church: One...

Donut: Aw, gimme a break.

Church: TWO!

Donut: Fine.

Donut runs in the base with the soldier in Caboose

Caboose: Wow... you got here fast.

Donut: Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon.

Caboose: I'm not sir, what can I do for you?

Donut: Finally, someone with a little respect around here.

Caboose: Yes Sir! I assume you're here because of this... (turns toward the flag)

Donut: Wait, is this all you have?

Caboose: Uh, yes sir, that's it!

Donut: Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about Elbow Grease?

Caboose: Uhhmmmm...

Donut: Headlight Fluid?

Caboose: No, all we have is this flag.

Donut: Well, I can't go back empty handed... I guess I'll take that.

Caboose: Sure... that makes sense. I guess.

Donut: (leaving with the flag) Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

Cut to Church and Tucker out by the tank

Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Tucker: Me? I can't drive that thing.

Church: You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?

Tucker: I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?

Church: No! Holy Crap! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!?

Caboose: (emerging from the base) Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the General stopped by, and picked up the flag!

Church: Yeah. Okay. Whatever moron! Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...wait a second... what did he just say?


  • Donut was actully directed to Blue Base by Church who travelled back in time during Season 3 to try and change the timeline. Church's plan was to kill Donut, but when he encounters him, Church didn't recognize him due to his red armor.

Video Edit

Head Noob in Charge04:26

Head Noob in Charge

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